Thursday, October 18, 2007

What the hell?

So, I was googling one of my many online monikers and under a search for 'byuistheshiz,' an American Express website came up.

Why are my mission pictures on the American Express website?

My Ear As A Suction Cup

I wasn't really sure which words should be capitalized, so I capitalized them all.

Last night, I fell asleep around 1:45. At least I think that's when I fell asleep. At any rate, I woke up right around two. I was slightly disturbed to hear someone bawling in the living room. It didn't surprise me that one or all of my roommates were up, we don't go to bed very early, but the sobbing was a foreign sound, one not heard in my apartment.

I couldn't just open my door to investigate. For one, I wasn't dressed for such an occasion. Also, this episode was probably a private one for those involved. I couldn't rule out the option of the noise coming from the television. Based on all this, I pressed my ear up against my door to more clearly decipher the goings on in my living room.

After a few seconds of listening, I was fairly certain it was in fact coming from the TV. Satisfied, I wanted to get back in to bed. As I moved my head away from the door, my ear created a rather strong vacuum of air. As the seal broke, it made a quiet popping noise and it felt as if my ear drum may have exited my ear canal and remained on the door. It hurt.


I've been sick for over a week now. It's not much fun. I feel like one of the 'infected' in '28 Days Later' and '28 Weeks Later.' Everywhere I go, I seem to spread my illness to everyone. For your own good, stay away from me. I can't help but hurt you.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Radiohead, Park City and Prostitution

Radiohead's new album came out today. God bless those people. I have been listening to it non stop since I got it. Just like all the other albums, this has a completely different style of it's own. Thom Yorke is a God.

Go to and download it. Radiohead only asks that you pay what you think it's worth (including the option of downloading it for free). Please pay for it though. It's definitely worth it.

My sister and I went to Park City on Thursday. It was bitchin'. I love that place. We walked around and mocked all the tourists (which seems ironic because I think technically we are tourists). We chose to eat lunch at what seemed like a charming brewery. The overwhelming smell of yeast wasn't so charming, nor was the lack of service, but the food was decent, and the atmosphere beats Applebee's any day.

Then we went to the outlet malls. Partly because of the Banana Republic and Gap stores, but mostly because there's a store there that lets you play with puppies for free! Unfortunately, there weren't any available puppies that day, but we did get to look at some dogs that haven't received their shots yet and therefore were unfit for hands on public interaction. I love dogs.

My fam and I went to this swap meet thing this weekend. It was about as horrible as the name implies. We were walking along the booths that offered lucky raccoon feet (I'm not kidding) and old Osmond family vinyls when we came to a sword/knife/geek display. I'm sure you can imagine it. Something put on by avid Magic players and World of Warcraft gurus. We stopped to admire a cane that had a tiny little snake (may have been real, maybe not) encased in an amber like substance that made the handle of the cane.

Out of nowhere, this...boy covered in acne (not that I'm making fun, but is important to judge his age) popped out from behind several torture devices and said, "I've got a question for you," looking at me. He asked me how old I was. I was confused by the question and couldn't remember exactly how old I am having had a birthday recently. "22," I said, "No, wait, 23," I'm pretty sure this was the reason for his smirk. He replied, "These are hidden sword canes and you must be over 18 to look at them." He insisted on seeing my ID.

I'm glad I had my attorney with me (my bro-in-law). He quickly advised me to not answer any questions and told the pubescent boy that we'll just stop looking at them. We walked away and laughed about it the rest of the day.

Today I was thinking. I was thinking about how I would like to go see a play at the Rose Wagner theater downtown in Salt Lake or to go see the Utah symphony at Abravanal Hall. Of course I would never be able to get one of my guy friends to attend such an event and I definitely wouldn't want to go alone. The other option would be family or a date. The family near by is my sis and bro-in-law who probably wouldn't be against such a thing, but they're super busy attorneys and work late, this just wouldn't work. The last option would be a date.

I'm not opposed to this option. But tickets to these things are expensive, even with a student discount. It seemed to me that paying for a date would be at least an extra 60 or 70 bucks. Then it hit me, taking a date is pretty much like hiring an escort. You don't want to be alone so you hire social company. The only difference (and sometimes this doesn't even apply) is that there is no obligatory sex, and if you do end up having sex, you don't break any laws or feel bad about it. Dating is pretty much prostitution with no sex. What a lame loop hole.

Admittedly, a relationship with one of these escort girls might go all 'Pretty Woman' and feelings might develop. At which point, dates might become 'dutch' or at least financial responsibilities become shared. But any way you look at it, she started out as a hooker.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Friends and laugh tracks

I had an outline for this blog, but I have to comment on this movie that's on TV. I'm at work and the guys have chosen to watch CMT. I'm personally afraid of this channel. I'm afraid I'll fall asleep watching country music videos and wake up racist. Yes, if you listen to country music, you're racist.

The music videos ended and an old western came on. It's showing a group of white taskmasters supervising a group of black railroad workers. As a side note, they're censoring the word 'nigger' left and right. Well, somehow, racial tensions escalated and now they're in an accapella sing-off. Boy can those boys sing.

Since the premiere of The Office, I've been a little pouty. I feel that the creator's of this show have become too greedy. When NBC purchased 30 episodes, I had complete faith that the writers would be able to keep up the level of comic genius that trademarks the previous season. I've heard different opinions of the premiere, but I thought it was excessively mediocre.

Because of this, I'm turning to Friends, the show that never let me down (except for that one episode where Joey could speak French by making random noises). I've watched half of the first season and it's hilarious. The only issue I have with this show is the laugh tracks. It's driving me insane!

I don't watch much TV anymore, but the things I do watch are in similar format to The Office--mockumentaries, reality TV, things not accompanied by a laugh track. Now every time that annoying sound comes on, I cringe and it's stealing the humor right out from under me. I've only watched 12 episodes and there's still 9 1/2 seasons left. I can grow accustomed to it, I'm sure. Plus, I'd do anything for Chandler and Phoebe. They light up my life.


When I arrived at work today, I found at that Dwayne had decided to confess to his crimes today. At the police station, they decided to hold him over night until a preliminary hearing tomorrow. His case worker with Chrysalis will be attending the hearing and requesting that the prosecutor keeps him in custody (up to three months) until Dwayne's trail. Chrysalis will not be welcoming him back in to the program and because of his extensive criminal history, the state has cut his funding for such programs. Things are not looking good for him.

Monday, October 1, 2007

9600mg of Ibuprofen and Radiohead

There was an actual interesting event in my life today. It's going to take a little bit of explaining so strap in and enjoy the ride, it will be worth it.

I work for a company named Chrysalis. This is a privately run organization for the mentally handicapped. In order to be in the program, you must have an IQ less than 70, or be court ordered into it. Chrysalis sets three or four mentally challenged individuals up with an apartment. They live a mostly normal life, going to work and just plain living. I work as a staff at one of these 'houses.' House 3 to be exact.

I've worked at the same house for one year. Three guys live there, Dwayne, Steve and Mike. Mike just entered the program about 6 months ago shortly after getting out of jail. He's 45 and is handicapped from a serious car accident. He is a pretty fun guy but has some serious mood swings. Steve is about 35, was born handicapped and is the most pleasant guy to work with ever. He's so calm. He loves to make dinner for his roommates and has never created any problems with roommates or staff. Dwayne is 21 and is the highest functioning of the crew. Because he's so smart, he manipulates, steals and lies. He's pleasant about half the time and impossible the other half.

Dwayne has a history of stealing credit and debit cards. Earlier this year, he had strict money guidelines that said he was never allowed to hold his own money, all purchases must be made under staff supervision. Even then, he managed to get around the rules. He threw constant fits to his guardian about his lack of freedom concerning money and finally, Chrysalis gave in and allowed him the privilege of handling his own money. Since this point, he has stolen literally thousands of dollars and we the staff are powerless to do anything. His most recent crime involved stealing his boss's credit card. Over the last week, he's spent about $800.

He was finally confronted with all the evidence against him today. The detective assigned to him told him that because of his criminal history, they were pushing for two counts of felony fraud. This terrified Dwayne. He finally admitted to me and my manager that yes, he had stolen the card and used it to purchase several things. Of course, he tried to push the blame off to another, but he actually confessed. Because of this, staff was told that under no circumstances was Dwayne allowed to go to any stores or have any friends over.

Being so terrified, Dwayne needed his support group so he called his girlfriend Lindsay (a former Chrysalis resident who had 'graduated' the program and now lives on her own). She had already been questioned about the credit card and was furious with Dwayne that he had gotten her into trouble as well. Dwayne, being rejected from every side, became hysterical. I've never seen him so upset. He was bawling on the floor of the kitchen while talking to Lindsay. He was literally hysterical and threatened over and over that he was going to kill himself.

Dwayne's behavior plan included strict suicide watch. He's not allowed to have any sharps in the house at all, meaning knifes, scissors, etc. Some how, he managed in the last few months to acquire a large pocket knife, and all though staff has known about it, they haven't managed to locate and confiscate it. After screaming at his girlfriend, he ran upstairs to his room and locked his door. I tried to talk him down as much as a could. He finally came out of his room to call Lindsay again.

At this point, he told me he had taken 12 pills of something he had found in his room. I ran to his room to find out what he took. It turns out, they were 800mg pills of prescription Ibuprofen. I called my manager and he told me to follow exactly the plan outlined for this situation in his record book. The book told me to call poison control, which I did. The man from PC told me that although the dose wasn't lethal and wouldn't even seriously make him ill, they are required by law to send an ambulance due to the suicide threats.

The man from poison control transferred me to 911 dispatch. They asked for my address and a myriad of other details. I gave them the address as 329 N. 800 E. I stayed on the phone with dispatch and she told me the officers were pulling up to the house. I didn't see anything... Then I realized that the actual address is 329 N. 800 W. Oops.

Soon enough, I could hear the sirens coming. Dwayne was really stressed he was going to jail. He was crying so hard and just grabbed on to me anyway he could. Finally, the fire engine (what?), two patrol cars and an ambulance pulled up. Dwayne did not want to be separated from me at all. I spoke with all the appropriate officers, gave them my information and then followed the ambulance to the hospital.

There, I sat with Dwayne in his room. I had to give the doctor a detailed account of his previous suicide attempts which was unbelievably awkward (the things he did were unbelievably horrible). I had planned on hanging out with my sister tonight so I asked if another staff could come and stay with him for two hours while I went to dinner. I was replaced and went to dinner. I was assigned to spend the night with Dwayne in the hospital if the social worker assigned to the case felt that he was still a danger too himself. I was heading back to the hospital at 11pm when I got a call saying that Dwayne had been released and I didn't need to go. I went to the house, talked to Dwayne and came home.


Now, on a completely separate, completely not serious note, let's talk about Radiohead.

Radiohead has finally announced the release of their 8th album. It's called 'In Rainbows.' Radiohead, being as progressive as they are, they are trying a completely new business model. It's called, 'pay as much as you want.' Radiohead head is releasing two new products. The first is a digital download, available from in ten days. This is downloadable at any price. Radiohead is asking fans to pay what they feel they should. This includes the option of downloading it for free!

The second product is a 40 British Pounds ($82) box set. It includes the digital download on CD, an extra disc that includes more new music, and two 2x12 vinyls. Of course I'll buy both. I just love Radiohead so much it hurts.

Resident Evil Crap-tinction

I went and saw Resident Evil: Extinction tonight. It made me sad.

The action was awesome, and the dead people were kind of scary, but like most zombie sequel movies, the farther on the series go, the more outlandish it becomes. Now, I realize the irony in expecting realism in a zombie movie. The thing that's interesting to me in zombie movies is the natural vs. supernatural. Why do sequels have to keep adding more and more advanced zombies and giving the humans supernatural powers? This is how the movie was ruined. Well, that, and the complete lack of character development. And a story line. And good acting.

I was thinking about an awesome movie and at the time, I was really tired. I was thinking about how I have never seen Asian zombies. Have you? What if we called my movie, "Zombasians," you know, the words zombie and Asian mixed. And in this movie, I thought that the entire world was clueless to the fact that Japan, or China (we'll call it Japan since they're a little more friendly towards tourism.) was a big farce. Any sort of advertisement or movie that has to do with Japan isn't really, and really, it's a big trap for humans. Tourists would come and they (the zombasians) would just eat you! I hadn't really thought this through because even now, I know it's just too fantastic to work. If I did write this script, it would be horrible and I'd have to get someone crappy like Michael Bay to direct it.

I've gained a new appreciation of Utah's outdoors...outdoorsness. The other night, I stayed up until 4 in the morning, and I sensed I was bothering my roommates since I was on the phone. Because of this, I went out side and laid in the grass. The wind was blowing and it was really nice. I was also really tired at this point, maybe I'm just stoned. Then the next day, it rained/snowed all day and quickly lost my appreciation for Utah weather.